A Quieter Place

                                        

I'm reposting some thoughts from a few years ago. How could we have known that 2025 would be a year of so much hatred and violence among Americans. Some attacks from outside our borders have been horrendous, for sure, but those within our nation are even more difficult to understand, at least without the knowledge of what we recognize as the "End Times." 

2021 saw thousands of families torn apart from a war we could not have seen coming. Biological warfare unleashed from a laboratory, proclaimed to be a pandemic and used to take away our rights in the medical world.

My husband spend the last eleven days of his life alone in ICU with meds forced into his system while being denied the two medications that saved the life of the President of the United States. Our two daughters and I were allowed in his room only when he was on life support. And we felt fortunate to have the last four hours with him when thousands were denied even that.

My prayer remains the same: That we will learn to completely lean on the One Who will return as Prince of Peace and reclaim what has never been ours: His world, His people. Until then, we can find peace in the tumult and courage during this weakened condition brought on by sin by placing our hope In Christ alone. August 14, 2025

               2013

               This time last year we were in one of those tumultuous seasons. Not so much for ourselves as for family members experiencing some really tough times.

Blindsided by events they could never have imagined were coming their way. We watched their spiritual growth and complete reliance on God for His rescue and restoration. God came through, of course, and now we see them on “the other side” – still faithful to Him and moving forward to a new season in their lives.

The second wave would come a few months later with news of my mother’s pancreatic cancer. She would be hospitalized three times from January to April 19, 2013 when her healing meant stepping into the very presence of Jesus for eternity.

And now?

We’re in that quieter place. A place of assurance of God’s strength and comfort resting over our home. Enjoying our children and grandchildren as often as possible. Stepping into new territory as we work toward semi-retirement and a different kind of business that doesn’t involve ladders, hammers and power tools.

Life cycles can keep us a little off-balance and wary. We know all about mountains and valleys as we hover someplace in between waiting to see which terrain is coming next.

But the one constant that brings our journey into focus is knowing that God is already on that mountain top or waiting to give us a soft landing when our hearts reach the floor of the valley.

“O give thanks to the Lord, for He is good;

For His lovingkindness is everlasting.”

(I Chronicles 16:34, NASB)

As the wars rage around us and attacks on our faith gain momentum, we can also remain in that peaceful and steadfast place. The world’s stage is being designed and fortified for the final ascension to the New Heaven and the coming of the New Earth.

“And He who sits on the throne said,

‘Behold, I am making all things new.’

And He said,

‘It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega,

the beginning and the end.

I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the

 water of life without cost.

He who overcomes will inherit these things, and

I will be his God and he will be My son.’”

(Revelation 21:5-7, NASB)

THE LIMIT

It wasn’t a huge argument. We’d had worse.

It was simply dealing with the pressures of unexpected circumstances that meant we were sharing our home with a relative who needed our care. We were more than happy to help in any way we could.

She was the perfect guest, one of our matriarchs, and we would not have had her with anyone else at this pivotal time. This precious soul was fighting a losing battle with cancer and needed our family and the love and support we gladly gave.

What led to that moment of tension between my husband and myself? Honestly, I don’t remember. But I do recall that we had taken that all-important “discussion” behind the closed door of our bedroom to keep our in-home patient from being aware that we needed to clear the air over some trivial issue.

We had been in our room talking for only a few minutes, when our bedroom door gently opened. (I guess our lowered voices in our small home carried more than we realized.) Our then 2-year-old daughter scrambled up to join us where we sat on our bed.

She listened for a Nano second and simply looked squarely at me and said, “Mom, have you just ‘bout had it?”

Our discussion halted.

My husband and I had nothing more to say. We simply chuckled and hugged her as we marveled at our daughter’s sensitivity and the question we would use often when we found ourselves at odds and just needed to call it a draw.

*****

That toddler is now a wife and mother of two very bright and verbal sons who are frequently in need of a referee. Her wisdom has developed along with her motherhood. These two teens will surely recall the steady demeanor of their mom, just as we enjoy the fond memories of this blond, blue-eyed diplomat with the insight of greater moments to come.

Given the opportunity, I think she could solve world problems with her gentle spirit, her listening heart, and her devotion to the same God of wisdom who had long ago called Solomon to mitigate among His people.

“...let it (your adornment) be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.” I Peter 3:4 NKJV

Nancy K Sullivan

8-22-2024

Posted from Faithwriters Challenge for "Peacemaker" dated August 22, 2024

https://www.faithwriters.com  

The Limit | Previous Challenge Entry | FaithWriters

WAVES AND SHADOWS July 29, 2024

November 13, 2021

"When I remember You on my bed, I meditate on You in the night watches. Because You have been my help, Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice. My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me."  Psalm 63:6-8 NASB

"Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the Lord God is my strength and song. And He has become my salvation."  Psalm 34:18 NASB

"The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:28 NASB

"The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them."  Psalm 34:7 NASB

"The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous And His ears are open to their cry."  Psalm 34:15 NASB

There are days when the words just don't come. But I can always let You speak through Your word directly to those emotional times that leave me speechless.

I made it through today without the internal melt down, the uncontrollable tears. 

Bless Gea and Mandy. Give them peace and comfort.

I love you, Lord. Thank you for saving me, now and for eternity.

November 14, 2021

"Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3  NKJV

"The memory of the righteous is blessed..."  Proverbs 10:7 NASB

My memories of BW will be my constant companion.  Please, Lord, allow me to be really good at remembering. Please tell BW how much I love and miss him.

You brought my friend Mary LaFrance for a visit today, all the way from Washougal, WA, by way of Joplin where she was visiting her sister. She does speak with wisdom that I need to hear. She helps me laugh. She prays with the words I can't speak. She loves the friendship of our family, and we are blessed by welcoming her. 

Highland Baptist where Ken and Mandy attend had a family dinner tonight. Mandy, Ken and the boys, Ella (her husband was our pastor for 13 years), Mary and others made for a sweet time of fellowship. It brought us through another day.

I praise You for all good things and for the hope we have in our eternal home that surely can't be too far away from us. Please draw our loved ones and give me wisdom for how and when to share Your gospel message with them.

God, You are good because Your Holy Spirit speaks for us when we are unable to speak for ourselves and because we can always seek Your comfort through Your very Word. And because you bring special surprise visits from "angels unaware." 

WAVES AND SHADOWS July 23, 2024

November 12. 2021

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and without blame before Him in love..." Ephesians 1:3,4 NKJV

"May my all-consuming thoughts of You be more than of my all-consuming grief."  Bro. Tom Elliff

November 11, 2021

I get a little scared when the pain isn't there. Loving BW is my joy. You are my joy. I know You are ever present. My heart's cry is for my love and the memories of him to also be ever present, in his proper place after You. The sorrow I feel does remind me that BW is still very much with me. I'll embrace the sorrow in the moment, then carry the sweetness of him throughout the day.

November 12, 2021

Our women's ministry at First Southern hosted a beautiful dinner last night. It was special to have Mandy there with me. Sweet friends taking time to offer comfort and loving support.

Maxie, who is also in in need of support as she grieves, Marsha - such a beautiful soul, Nelda Lee, who would have let me talk as long as I dared, and as she bravely faces the grief of losing her husband (also from COVID) a year before BW. She is one of the facilitators of Grief Share that will begin in January. We sat with Pat and her daughter-in-law Alaina who know the grief of losing a grandson/son.Their family shows incredible courage and faith still.

Lord, you brought me through several painful moments yesterday. I know You will again. Thank You for being such a personal and loving God. Thank You for Jesus Christ, our Savior.

November 13, 2021

That sinking, panicky feeling still takes over at will. When I open my mouth to speak, I cry instead. You are my only hope. Days without number are stretching before me. I don't want to be like those who say, "It will never get better."  Please show me how to keep remembering BW and how to keep him alive in my heart without so much pain and anxiety. The emptiness. Only You can do the impossible.

God, You are good because You bring us through those moments of unbearable sorrow that give us courage to face the ones that will continue to come in waves, followed by times of joy, followed by grief, then joy ... And because You established Your church, a place for a family of believers to lead and to support each other in these difficult times. You are at the center of all our moments ... where joy and sorrow meet.

WAVES AND SHADOWS July 14, 2024

"He leads me beside the still waters, He restores my soul; He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name's sake." Psalm 23:1-2 NKJV

TEN DAYS OF THINGS I GAINED, LEARNED, AND REMEMBER

November 16, 2021

Day 9

March 29, 1973

Our wedding day. There was no way I was going to let you out of my sight that day. Someone needed to be your guardian angel, and that someone was me.  We spent the afternoon running last-minute errands. If we heard "Tie a Yellow Ribbon" by Tony Orlando and Dawn one time that day, we must have heard it on your pickup radio 50 times. 

I gained an unforgettable afternoon of memories including "Tie a Yellow Ribbon." I think I learned the lyrics well enough to actually sing them backward, and I remember trying to keep my nerves at bay. Having you at my side that afternoon surely must have helped.

November 17, 2021

Day 10

March 29, 1973, Exchange Avenue Baptist Church

Our wedding was simple, but beautiful. I couldn't have asked for more. You had to be the most handsome groom ever as you waited for me to join you at the altar, then when you escorted me back down the aisle as your wife. The day I dreamed about for as long as I could remember. My prayers for God's choice for my husband had been answered. 

The Lord knew our marriage would last exactly 48 years, 5 months and 11 days. 

The best years of my life, filled with special times, challenges, growing pains, and more answered prayers that brought two beautiful daughters who would teach us more about life than we would ever have learned without them. Together, we would see our family grow to sons-in-law, four grandsons and one granddaughter. I'm so thankful you got to enjoy them as long as you did. Your pride as you watched them grow and in knowing who they would become as young adults must still be growing. They have so many of your amazing qualities.

My prayer is to make you proud of me as I try to carry on in this world I never would have asked for - a world without you at my side. 

I gained a lifetime of being a wife, mother, and grandmother. I learned through every trial and every blessing we shared, and I'll remember you, the unforgettable husband who gave me a life filled with my two greatest desires - being a wife and a mother (and now a grandmother). I could never ask for more.

*****

Heavenly Father,

Thank You for the rest. For the sleep I've fought most of my life. I won't look back today. Your mercies are new each day. I want to honor that.

"Peace that passes understanding, down in my heart." That special place You reserved for our emotions and our deepest love. My love for You. My love for the amazing man who is now in Your presence. I'll carry it very carefully. Today. Everyday. Along with the hope I have in Jesus.

God, You are good because You give us the capacity to remember and to carry our loved ones close through those memories. You determine our days and let us live each one without that end in sight so we can enjoy life in the moment. You prepare us in ways we don't recognize for the things that are coming, yet we never want to think about.  

WAVES AND SHADOWS July 7, 2024

November 12, 2021

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart."  Psalm 37:4 NASB

TEN DAYS OF THINGS I GAINED, LEARNED AND REMEMBERED:

DAY 5

On October 31, 1971 I gained a new future when BW proposed to me. I learned (again) that God hears and answers our prayers. The memory will stay with me forever.

November 13, 2021

DAY 6

BW gained the trust and respect of my dad when he asked permission to marry me. Dad would grow to think of him as another son; BW would honor my dad as much as he did his own. I learned even more about BW when he showed this simple and traditional courtesy to my dad. I remember that our engagement was now (almost) official.

November 14, 2021

DAY 7

I was expecting an engagement ring for Christmas. BW had proposed and asked Dad for my hand. But my hopes were a little high. I gave an award-winning performance when BW handed me a gift-wrapped box that contained a pair of Acme cowgirl boots! It was the cowboy way, I guess.

Sometime between December 25 and our wedding day on March 29, 1973 we did go together to Kay's Jewelry to pick out my engagement ring and matching wedding bands. They were perfect. And (now) official. I really was going to marry my hero, this prince in a Stetson.

I gained a gift that announced our future together to anyone within seeing distance of my ring finger. I learned that "good things come to those who wait". And I'll always remember that once-in-a-lifetime shopping trip.

November 15, 3032

DAY 8

All it took to get BW to go to church with me was for me to invite him. He had been a member of Capitol Hill Baptist Church, but admitted he hadn't been in a while. He started going with me on most Sundays when he wasn't at the fire station, or when we were not at the lake with his family. He moved his membership to Exchange Avenue Baptist Church the Sunday before our wedding.

We gained the beginning of our church home together where we would begin raising our two daughters as they completed our family. We would learn more about God's Word that would draw us into a closer relationship with Him and with each other.  I remember that God answered my prayers for a godly husband.

God, You are good because You knew that the separate paths BW and I were on from the beginning would bring us together a full year after I had simply turned that part of my life over to You. You guided both of us, against many odds, to the exact time and place of our first encounter.

WAVES AND SHADOWS July 2, 2024

November 9, 2021

"How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! Therefore, the children of men put their trust under the shadow of your wings." Psalm 36:7

TEN DAYS OF THINGS I GAINED, LEARNED, REMEMBERED     

Day 2

My smiling husband showed no mercy when he was taking me down in Double 12 Dominoes. But to give credit where credit is due, he was always gracious when the take-down was mine. He might have even helped me out a little with that.

I remember the fun we could have, even in the  quieter moments. I learned to be a good sport. I gained from BW's example.

November 10, 2021

Day 3

Mandy took pictures at a couple of the boys' ball games. In one shot BW and I are holding hands, arms extended to reach between our canvass lawn chairs, the other one of him with his arm around my shoulders. She kidded us about our PDA's. But that was us. We usually were holding hands, or my hand was resting inside his elbow as we walked or resting on his knee when we sat - his big, strong hand covering mine. He always made me feel secure, protected. By some miracle, I still feel that protection and security. I know I always will because You promise that "(You) will never leave us or forsake us"

I remember those summer evenings with our family, watching our grandsons grow. I learned to appreciate Sonic drinks and shade. I gained strength from the nearness of BW and, now, from You.

God, You are good because we can have happiness in the small things and because You will never leave us alone.

*****

"For we know that if our earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal dwelling in the heavens, not made with hands. II Corinthians 5:1 CSB

November 11, 2021

Day 4

Today we honored our nation's veterans. BW was a crew chief in helicopter repair in the US Army Reserves during the Vietnam War. His unit was "hot" at times, but never deployed. Knowing his work ethic, he surely was a natural leader who took care of every detail and led his men honorably and efficiently. He was a hero then, and he became my hero. I'm thankful to know he was also a hero of the faith, not like Old Testament heroes, but always one in my eyes.

I remember those days of the Vietnam war and what an unsettling time that was, even before BW and I ever met. I learned to stop to appreciate and show our gratitude for all of our military and the price so many of them paid. I gained from being blessed by a strong, willing hero - even in everyday life.

God, You are good because you continue to bless a nation that should also pray for Your mercy everyday and because You answered my prayer for the husband BW always was.

WAVES AND SHADOWS June 24, 202

November 8, 2021

"I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!"  Psalm 27:13 ESV

You answered my prayer today that I will always have the tender memory of BW stay fresh. I committed to feeling the pain that would come. I just want to always feel his nearness. Looking at my favorite picture of him looking right at me is a treasure.

My prayers are for Gea and Mandy each day, that the connection they had with him will continue to be real to them and will draw them closer to their relationship with You. Let them feel safe and look forward with hope in Jesus for the reunion that surely must be coming soon. We are one day closer.

God, You are good because You answer our prayers.

"TEN DAYS OF THINGS I GAINED, LEARNED, AND REMEMBER"

DAY 1  November 8, 2021

I learned to snow ski at Snowmass, CO. I gained courage. And I remember the wonderful times.

Only BW could have coaxed me into a chair lift and urged me through so many crashes while fighting my terror of heights. 

After a half day of falling down the beginner slope properly named "Fanny Hill" and his reminder to "keep my toes together" his frustration peaked when he said "Keep the toes OF YOUR SKIS together!" My cramping toes got that message. Finally. Did I mention this was the first time ever in ski boots and on skis. Words matter, Hon. 

His patience and encouragement opened up to so many adventures and memories that I would have never known without his endurance - and mine. 

WAVES AND SHADOWS June 18, 2024

November 6, 2021

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  Romans 8:38-39 ESV

My day took a different turn today. A planned trip to see Joyce was postponed. I went to the cemetery to take fresh flowers for BW and for Dad and Mom's graves. It was a gorgeous November day.

My first grocery shopping for myself happened today. It made me sad. BW did the lion's share of grocery shopping. He knew what he liked for meals and for snacks. I was more than happy for him to enjoy his own shopping. Sometimes we would divide and conquer with our own lists and grocery carts.  But today I wandered through the grocery aisles like I had never been inside Crest Market before. Nothing interested me. I choked back the tears in this foreign place. Foreign because I didn't even have to wonder what BW might like to have, much less anything that looked or sounded good to me. I left a while later with a bag of junk food. Some might call it comfort food, but that's a fallacy. There is no comfort in empty calories or in nutritious food, as hard as we seek to find it there. It was just survival food.

BW loved shopping: Any store, any time. Especially Sam's. He even loved shopping with me for clothes. I always came away with more than a single item for a specific event. He would bring hangars  of things for me to try on. He had great taste in his own clothing; I always valued his opinion. And he  always seemed to be fine with my choices. 

***

BW,

I'll keep going through the motions of getting through each day. Many prayers are being said for us, for your sweet daughters and for me. I see the same grief-stricken faces at church, soul mates not of our choosing, yet sharing the same journey each and every day. We seem to find some assurance and hope in the eyes of each other. Survivors, but only by God's grace and strength and through the prayers of others. I need to remember each sweet friend who is also in this state somewhere between reality and the memories that allow only a glimpse of  time together with, like you and me, the loves of their lives.

***

"It is in the quiet crucible of your personal, private sufferings that your noblest dreams are born, and God's greatest gifts are given in compensation of what you've been through."  Wintley Phipps

"The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble ..." Nahum 1:7a

God, You are good because you know those (of us) who trust in You.  (Nahum1:7b)

*******************

Sunday, November 7, 2021

"Therefore the Lord is waiting to show you mercy, and is rising up to show you compassion, for the Lord is a just God, All who wait patiently for Him are happy." Isaiah 30:18 CSB

You are God. Only You are Truth. Only You know everything and have ordained our futures. Only You can take the evil that surrounds us and place it firmly beneath Your feet in defeat. We are powerless without Your divine will and strength. 

***

I have a voice mail saved on my phone. I want to hear your voice, but I'm not sure my heart can take it. Hearing your strong, yet kind tone could actually make what's left of me break into pieces. We are helpless without God's divine will and strength.

(As it turned out the more than 3-minute voicemail I had saved was merely background noise. Either your phone or mine had not disconnected. There was no you on that voice mail. While I can still hear your voice in family video clips, I have no personal message from you. It breaks my heart, but it is what it is.)

***

"I need Thee, O I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee. O bless me now, My Savior. I come to Thee."

"Lord, be gracious to us! We wait for You. Be our strength every morning and our salvation in time of trouble. Isaiah 33:2 CSB 

You blessed us with an incredibly beautiful day. 73 degrees on November 7! And You blessed me with Mandy's presence and help. It felt good to be outdoors and doing some (light) physical work. Working as caretakers of the beautiful home You provided BW and me. 

***

You took this simple five-acre lot with only a home and a few trees and poured yourself into what I see as an incredible "estate." The small pine trees we planted early on are now mature and statuesque next to our drive. We planted a few oak trees that now provide evening shade over much of the front of the property.

Mother's Day always meant a trip with you to the local Marcum's to buy bedding plants. You made short work of cleaning out the flower beds and we planted fresh spring flowers that are still overflowing with color, even in November.

Mandy and I worked together with the mowing, trimming, and edging. Our efforts left us with a feeling of accomplishment and a heart full of gratitude for the home and grounds your many years of hard work provided. I'm so glad you and I were able to enjoy it together for sixteen years. I want to honor that hard work by doing everything I can to maintain our home. Mandy pours herself into this place just as you did. I know she feels close to you and that she's honoring you with her hard work and careful attention. Gea has said that she wishes she could be close enough to help. Your two girls sure do love you, and so do I.

***

We're back on Central Daylight hours again so our long evenings will now be indoors. I dread the next several weeks alone inside. Help me to use those hours to draw closer to You for comfort, for correction, for hope as I anticipate my reunion with BW. How I long to see his face and hear his voice welcoming me to our forever home. The home he now occupies with You.

From Pastor Keith's sermon this morning:

"How can I return to God?"

Malachi 3:7 "Return to Me, and I will return to you," says the Lord of hosts ...

The call of God to honor, trust, heal broken fellowship with Him. Constantly abiding through the power of the Holy Spirit. Wanting God more than anything else.

God, You are good because Your grace is sufficient and because You seek fellowship with us.

WAVES AND SHADOWS June 11, 2024

(If this is the first post you've seen here at A Softer Voice, the beginning of this journey can be read on the earlier post, "Looking Back" dated March 13, 2024. My husband, B W Sullivan died of COVD on October 18, 2021. I share our story to encourage you, rather than advise, as you struggle to survive the loss of a spouse. I pray you can see God at work in my life, one day at a time. His mercy never fails us.)

November 3, 2021  AM

"As for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, 'You are my God,' My times are in Your hand."  Psalm 31:14-15 NASB

What a comfort to realize that I am only one breath, one heartbeat, one twinkle of an eye from seeing BW again. I feel the loneliness tonight, missing him so much.

I want to hear his voice on my voice mail, but I'm not sure I can without hurting more than I already am.

November 4, 2021

My prayers continued today. It was a hard day. Probably the most difficult one yet. "#butGod" brought me through. I know You will again, Lord. Every time.

God, You are good because You are only a breath away.

November 5, 2021

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will help you, I will hold on to you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 CSB

I was hovering on the bottom yesterday. Partly because of the weather. I'm just one who needs sunshine, although You bring the cloudy, rainy days over Your creation as part of your design.

The unexpected visit from BW's cousins, Mandy and Barrick's time with me this evening, phone calls from Kay and Mel seem like small things, but they help bring me back from the hard places.

Mel mentioned how he loved seeing the changes BW brought into my life. He got me to do things that were absolutely not on the radar for me: water skiing, snow skiing, building a home in the country - and living there. We agreed that I was afraid of my own shadow until I married BW. Sharing some funny stories about those early days really lifted my spirits.

Thank You for the return of the sunshine this morning, not that it ever goes away. Clouds roll in and hide the really good part. Just like life.

God, You are good because You are with us, and You bring us through the wreckage.